CLARKSTON, MICHIGAN- The free speech rights of every American were secured last week thanks to courageous American Marilyn Manson. Security guard Joshua Keasler claimed that Manson [aka Brian Warner] engaged in nonconsensual sex with his face during a July 30th show in Detroit. But in the end Judge Gerald McNally saw the act of grinding one's barely covered genitalia on another unsuspecting individual as the ultimate fight for freedom and dropped all charges.

"This is about freedom of expression in this country," said Manson's attorney Walter Piszczatowski. "If a man can't subject a security guard to vicious facial rape on stage, what has this country come to? What freedoms do you want to take away next?"

Piszczatowski went on to argue that although the right to commit unnatural acts on stage with unwitting participants is not specifically mentioned in The Constitution or any of its amendments, the right is implied and therefor inviolable.

"This was a groundbreaking case in my opinion," continued Piszczatowski. "It opens the doors for other crotch grinders to commit all kinds of other unnatural acts on unsuspecting security personnel. It sends a signal that involuntary public face humping will not and cannot be crushed or censored."

In the legal brief explaining his ruling, Judge McNally agreed with the argument that Manson's actions were part of the show. The lottery-style manner in which Manson picked his humpees also added to the excitement of the performance. Audience members looked at their tickets and wondered if tonight would be their night for a face-full of sweaty g-string.

McNally also wondered if face humping [voluntary or not] was really so bad in such a context. A bit of face humping now and then might have saved Emeril, he mused.

Even with this victory, Manson's legal troubles are far from over. This face humping incident is not the first and by no means the last. Similar complaints have been filed against Manson in other states, a trend that concerned the Clarkston district attorney's office.

"This man is a serial crotch rubber," said assistant prosecutor Ken Frazee. "Someone has to stop this man before he rubs crotch again."

Clearly, Frazee feels the best place to reform Manson is in prison, where incidents of sexual misconduct are reportedly quite rare.

A civil suit regarding the incident is still pending. However, Keasler has stated that he will delay trial proceedings until Manson's career revives and his assets become more "lawsuit-worthy."

Also, sales of his records have been slumping for some time. In a post-9/11 world, a man who reportedly had a rib surgically removed to facilitate autofellatio seems a bit less interesting than before.

But if Manson disappears from the music scene, who will continue the face humping? Without it, Americans can never be sure that their freedom is truly safe. Reportedly, amateurs have been taking up Manson's cause, rubbing groins on faces all over the Internet. But will it be enough to keep the freedom hating censors at bay?

Also, Manson has stated for the record that the amateur face humpers are not doing it correctly and has offered detailed instructions on his web site.